Letting Go?  

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I don't know if it's because I am a Libra and therefore have this strong urge to make sure everything is in balance, which by the way, it never seems to be, hence the nickname 'Unbalanced Libra' or if it's just that I am so obsessive over things, but when things take unexpectedly bad turns in my life, I need to know why - I need closure. Then and only then, can I let go.

What happens when there is no closure given? How am I supposed to let go? You may remember me mentioning about the Coven I was in years ago. The group split up and only Linda and I remained in contact. We got together all the time until one year at Samhain. She canceled on me and then a month or so later, confessed she actually canceled because she made plans to go to an open Circle with Karol, who is a former Coven member. It all went downhill from there.

Linda and I didn't get together as often anymore. I was in the middle of a divorce at the time so my focus was more on my personal life than any drama with friends. I moved after Jeff and I separated and contacted Linda and we talked - things seemed okay. Then, about 9 months later, when my grandfather died, I emailed her and she responded and was very kind in her email to me. That was that though, nothing else. I was feeling awkward and for some reason, just couldn't come right out and ask what the hell was going on.

I think a year or so went by with no contact. I ran into Linda at a Beltane festival who happened to be with Christie (former Coven member) and Karol. It was strange. They were nice to me but it was obviously fake. I found out that Linda and Karol go to the womongathering every year together. Nice, huh?

By that time I 'got it' - I mean, it was painfully obvious they all moved on, sans Bernadette and without me. But why? Never once did anyone ever tell me why.

I tried to let it go but it was always in the back of my mind. If you've ever been in a Coven, then you know how close a group can get. They were my sisters.

Fast forward to this past September. Wyatt had fallen down the steps and although it wasn't a terrible fall, I took him to the ER to have him looked at. Who was working there? Linda. I knew she worked there but she was always on the 7pm - 7am shift. She was his nurse. I had to, very uncomfortably, be in a room with her. After a bit, I tried to poke and prod about things and asked what happened and all I got was, "Well, you know, things just aren't the same anymore" That was that.
Since she was at work, she was able to keep busy and avoid it all together.

A few weeks after that, I found one of her daughters, Jessica, on Myspace, so I friended her. We emailed a few times - just about general things, how are you, how's life, blah, blah, blah. Never once did I mention Linda nor did I bring anything Coven related up. (Jess was not in the Coven with us, in fact, she is only 21 now, so back then she was young and like a daughter to me)

Things were fine until about 2 weeks go. I saw Linda's other daughter, Melissa, on Myspace, so I sent a friend request. After a few days, the friend request was no longer pending but she hadn't added me. Then, shortly after, I noticed I was minus one friend - Jess. So, I emailed Jess and asked what happened, why is she no longer on my friends list? Normally I don't bother when people 'unfriend' me but this was peculiar. I got no response.

I waited a bit and then yesterday I emailed Jess again, I said,
"Okay, I am guessing since Melissa denied my friend request and you ditched me, I did something to offend? What happened?"
I see she has read my message but still no response.

I know, LET IT GO ALREADY - but how when I haven't a clue WTF I ever did - it's just...odd.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 28, 2008 at Sunday, December 28, 2008 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

6 comments

It's not so easy to let go of something so hurtful as losing close friends and then not even knowing why. Just wanted to let you know I read your post and I can understand why you can't let go.

December 28, 2008 at 5:38 PM

I completely understand too, but someone once told me something that rings true to me. "If you are loved by everyone then you are doing something verrrry wrong and not being true to yourself." Just try to accept that not everyone will like you all of the time and that's OK. If you are living by the golden rule, being truthful to yourself then you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, these former coven memebers cannot be truthful and honest and that is a shame.

December 28, 2008 at 9:05 PM

It would drive me crazy too. I can understand why you are so confused. I know that I have friends that are closer than my "real" family and if something like this happened I would just want to know why. Hang in there. I find that if I focus my time on something else I don't dwell, but that is just me.

December 29, 2008 at 4:19 AM

Mountain Woman,
Thank you. It's nice to vent and actually be heard =)

December 29, 2008 at 7:20 AM

Hibiscus,
Thanks!
You know, I know I can't be loved by all but it's just so odd when, looking back, I don't recall anything that I did to make them all run away and hide =/

December 29, 2008 at 7:21 AM

Hi Juliette!

For the most part, I am focused on other things but every now and then, well, this is in the back of my mind =/

December 29, 2008 at 7:22 AM

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